Category Archives: Personal

Where I Went and What’s Been Happening

August 28, 2017

Goes without saying that I’ve abandoned this blog. I’ve left literally a year between posts. Bit of a shitty thing to do, I agree, so I’m here to have a chat with everyone, and kind of talk about what has been going on this past year. Grab a cuppa and have a biscuit (ideally bourbon or a custard cream but any will do) and get yourself comfy.

Right. It’s hard to know where to start really. I suppose it properly starts in January 2016. Things weren’t right with me, with work, or with my mental health, but I put it all down to “returning to work blues” and ignored it. I was going to have a good year, I told myself, and that was that.

Things didn’t improve, with work or my mood, so I decided obviously my job was the problem, and looked for a new one. The stars aligned, one fell into my lap pretty quickly, and I headed to Cuba, sure that when I returned, everything would be fine and good. I’d feel better, happier, and life would be great.

It wasn’t.

I love my job, I really do, but it’s probably the most stressful environment I could have dropped myself into. Pharmacy is a hectic, chaotic world, and I’m constantly dealing with people who are ill, some with simple ear infections and skin rashes, but others are dying, or their loved ones are dying and sometimes you’re in the firing line of their emotions. Their anger, their concerns, their fears for the future. I deal with it all, and it’s not always pleasant. It’s hard enough when your mental health is stable, let alone when it’s not.

And in September, my mood plummeted. I was struggling to get out of bed, I had no interest in anything. I couldn’t read, and I certainly couldn’t blog. I had no desire to do anything. I just wanted to sleep and ignore everyone. And that’s not a good place to be. So I finally admitted that I needed help. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shit-scared before a doctor’s appointment. I came so close to talking myself out of the appointment, saying that I didn’t need help, that I was fine and that I would feel better. Thank goodness I didn’t.

My appointment was difficult, I think I cried throughout the entire time I was sat with the doctor, and looking back, there was a lot wrong with the appointment, but I asked for help, and I got it. And it was like the sun bursting through the clouds, and I finally had a glimmer of hope. You don’t realise how far you are into depression until you get some help, and you suddenly realise that hiding from your phone, your friends and your life is not a healthy thing to do. But it was an easy coping mechanism. No one can tell you there’s something wrong with you if you don’t socialise with them regularly. I’m not perfect now, but I’m getting better.

And that’s all I hope for. To quote Glee, I am a work in progress. And you don’t know how good it feels to be able to say that.

Feeling Chatty

April 4, 2016

Hey! It’s been ages since I’ve properly sat down to write a bunch of posts, and you know what? I’ve really missed it! I’ve missed the blogging community and how friendly everyone is and how enthusiastic over books they are. Not many people around me read a great deal (apart from my mum, more on that later), so to dive back into a world where people understand why I’m so enthused over books is great. My lack of blogging hasn’t stopped me from buying books however, my most recent three physical purchases were Night Owls, Demon Road and The Dark Days Club. I’m super excited to dive back into some paranormal reads, as I haven’t touched the genre in years. Not properly, at least, but I’m planning on easing my way back in soon. I have yet another reason to add to the list of “why my boyfriend’s a keeper”: he bought me a Waterstones voucher for Valentine’s. I don’t do flowers and chocolates, and I told him if he was going to buy me anything for Valentine’s, it had to be practical. And he listened, bless him. Not to be outdone on the practical stakes, I bought him a drill-bit set for his fancy new drill he’s bought for work. What books have you bought recently? 

Okay, so my mum. She has a Kindle, and she reads loads, but mainly urban fantasy/paranormal romance/contemporary romance. We don’t talk books that often, apart from the occasional Nora Roberts recommendation (by mum to me), but I have got her started on a few of her favourite series myself, namely Black Dagger Brotherhood and the Guild Hunter series. I do wave the occasional YA paranormal under her nose if I think she’ll enjoy it, but I’m rarely taken up on the offer, as she’s not a fan of YA. So I was kinda surprised to find her reading The Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor and totally raving about it, finishing the book in three days and immediately downloading the second. I mean, I was stoked, but never thought that would be a book my mum would read. And now I’m totally spurred onto reading the series myself!

I also go on holiday to Cuba on the 5th April, and I am so excited. My boyfriend and I went to Mexico last June, and we said that there would be no holiday this year, but made an exception as it’s his grandparents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary in 2016, so there’s 11 of us going to celebrate in Cuba. And I am so looking forward to two weeks in the glorious sunshine, sipping on the occasional cocktail and read to my heart’s content. I can’t swim, but the idea of lazing by a pool or on the beach with my Kindle seems like total heaven. I, of course, have been purchasing plenty of books for my holiday, even though I don’t need to buy anymore! And the lure of the airport bookshop will no doubt be too difficult to ignore as well, so I’ll have plenty of reading material to keep me entertained for the two weeks. What are your favourite beach reads? Are you going on holiday this year? Tell me where!

And finally, although I’ve no doubt bored everyone to tears, I can’t not share this news with you. I said earlier in the year that I was possibly looking for a new job, and now I’ve finally got one! I’m going to be going back to dispensing at the end of April, after my holiday, and I honestly couldn’t be more happy. I’m so excited for what the future holds and I just feel so positive at the moment, which is a really nice feeling to have when you haven’t felt it in a long while! How are you guys doing?

 

 

Dear 16 Year Old Me…

July 25, 2015

Dear Hollie,

You’re 16, you’ve finished taking all your GCSE’s, and you’re so confident about your future. You’re not going to want to listen to what your 22 year-old, slightly thinner and a lot wiser future self has to say to you, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

These next couple of years at sixth form are not going to be amazing like you’re hoping they will. Things won’t change, people won’t miraculously look at you and think that you’ve changed. Because you haven’t. You’re still going to be the same person you already are, and in time, you’ll come to accept that. And trust me, the sooner you accept yourself as a person, the happier you will be.

Allow me to completely rock the apple cart by telling you that you don’t make it to university. But it’s not the end of the world. And deep down, despite all your tears and anger, you’ll know that. Trust me that in five years time, you’ll find a job you absolutely love and all those university woes will seem so trivial. The chip shop will soon be a distant memory for you, but you’ll always be grateful for the working ethic it gave you. You’re going to feel directionless after university, so grab all the opportunities that are given to you. Don’t wallow, allow yourself to live, and really enjoy yourself.

You’re going to make some terrible decisions in life. You’re going to meet a boy on your 20th birthday who will temporarily make you forget who you really are. And although this sounds all whimsical and nice, it’s not. Go in with caution, and get out while you can. It’s not all doom and gloom though, as when you’re 21, you’re going to meet a boy who you’ll fall madly in love with, who loves the exact same music you do, who makes you laugh and tells you that he loves you every single day. He’s worth the wait. He’s worth all the terrible teenage mistakes, all the horrible drunken kisses on nights out in a nightclub that’s overpriced and over-rated. He’s the Prince Charming that you’ve been dreaming about. (And his favourite song from The Black Parade is Disenchanted. If you need any more proof that he’s the guy for you, I don’t know what else to give you.)

2013 will be a terrible year for you, and you’ll have to watch your world fall apart over and over and over until you’re convinced that you’re going to break. You won’t. You’ll come back stronger, even if you don’t want to. Even if you think you can’t. You’re resilient. You bend, but you never break. As I write this, I’m realising that this is one of my favourite things about myself. Self-love is something we’re working on.

Life is full of surprises, and we love a good surprise, so I’m not going to give you anything else to mull over. You’ll have to fill in the gaps yourself.

Love

Your 22 year old, really bloody awesome self.

P.S – DO NOT try and go blonde. It won’t be a good look, I promise!